15 #3: Caterpillars, Chrysalis and Butterflies

Grandad gave you two Swan Plants for Christmas this year.  Swan plants are the plant that Monarch butterflies lay their eggs on and as Monarchs are in decline in NZ people are encouraged to have the plants in their gardens.  We planted them in a sunny spot in the front garden, you helped, and we explained what would happen. And then we waited, and waited.

It was quite a slow start to be honest but after a while we started to see little white dots on the leaves - eggs.  Then the eggs became tiny little caterpillars which grew very quickly into big fat caterpillars. (Something I didn't k is before - caterpillars poo a lot!).  After a while these fat caterpillars hung themselves upside down in a J shape and went into a suspended animation before becoming a Chrysalis.  We were never lucky enough to see this transformation though.

After a few weeks the butterflies emerged. Everyday you would run outside to check on them and see if anything was happening.  At the height we had 18 chrysalises.  We managed to catch 2 butterflies emerging which for me was amazing.  You were more amazed once the butterfly was out and drying it's wings.  You would stay a safe distance back so you didn't frighten them and you chatted to them, asking if they were ok.   I was a little worried you would be upset once they flew away but you weren't at all. You were happy they were flying off "to find their friends" as you put it.

Having these plants has been a wonderful experience for us all. I can't wait until next spring!

15 #5 Letting go (just a little)

I feel today we (I) have reached a turning point.

People keep asking me if you go to kindy yet. I feel like I've been pressured and judged since you turned 2 because you don't go to kindy yet.  It seems to be expected that you should put your child into someone else's care as soon as possible to ... free yourself from the burden ... enable you to go back to work ... I'm not exactly sure what people expect but it's been quite clear I haven't been following expectations.

In reality you haven't been ready to go to kindy.  If I had tried to leave you at a kindy you wouldn't have cried for a while then gotten over it and enjoyed yourself.  You would have cried like you'd been abandoned, and cried and cried until I returned.  You would have felt abandoned and you wouldn't have gotten over it. You would never have let me take you back.  A mother knows this.  Only a mother.

Another reason is that I haven't been ready.  I haven't been ready to let you go.  I wanted to keep you all to myself. You're my little person.  My life. My reason for living.  I couldn't hand you over to someone else when we both weren't ready for it.

But now I think We are.

I've had a feeling for a few weeks that you need more now.  More than I can give you 7 days a week. You need outside influences, you need to interact with boys and girls your own age, without me hovering in the background.  You've grown up so much over the last few months and I think you need a little push to fulfil your potential. And this means I'm now ready to let you go, just a little.

It doesn't mean I won't cry a flood of tears though when the day comes.

Tomorrow we are going to visit a kindy. Let's see what happens ...

Addendum:

We visited kindy, you liked it, we signed up. Today was your first settling in session, we went for 2 hours. As soon as we arrived you ran off and didn't look back.  I hid in the kitchen and watched what was happening and you didn't ask for me once.  You did painting, jumped on the trampoline, climbed the climbing frame, played with dolls.  You sat in a circle with the other children at mat time, you stood up when asked if you have any news and said "I have princess news! I like Sparkle and Aerial!".  You listened to the story, then asked the teacher to read it again!  At morning tea you didn't eat anything but that was to be expected.  And when it was time to go you cried and hung on to the gate pleading "Please let me stay!".

So we go back on Friday and I will leave you for a while and see how that goes.  I am so proud of you, but a little sad too!

Addendum #2:

I left you for 2 hours at our next visit, you were fine, no tears, no worries. You had a wonderful time playing dress ups with a little girl called Norah.  You cried when I said I had to take you home!

Today (17/6/15) is your first full day.  You were so excited to get there and spend all day there, and you were very sweet saying before we left that you are worried about me being at home all day by myself.  When we arrived you gave me a kiss and a cuddle, said "Bye, bye Mummy", then you were off to dress up in a Princess dress and play dolls with Norah.

I feel a little sad, but mostly I feel very, very proud of the person you are growing up into, and happy that you are happy to be there.

15 #1: 2 years n New Zealand

Well we've been here for 2 years now so I thought I should talk a little bit about how we are getting on. The obvious bit - we've bought a house so we are here to stay. That decision was probably the easiest one out of all the decisions we have had to make in the last 4 years to get to where we are now. Because, yes, we started thinking, planning, decision making before you were born to bring us to NZ. A few events delayed the process, one major one being you! But we got here in the end.  Once we were here and in our rented house I felt very quickly that really there was no going back for me. This is where I can imagine our future.  If I try to imagine what life would be had we stayed, or if we went back, I draw a complete blank. A black image. I just can't picture it.

Of course there is still the guilt. I don't think that will ever go away. And it doesn't get easier. But I've made my decision and I have to live with that guilt, it's just part of it. Penance I guess for everything else being so good here.

I've made friends. Have a good social life. I'm not sure yet if they are "real" friends or "mummy" friends, only time will tell. But at least I know people, I'm getting out and about, I'm enjoying myself, and I know there's people I can call on if I need to.  We live in a fantastic area, you will have a great education in the local schools, and you'll have all the benefits of living in a village whilst also being so close to the city.  

Our house is beyond my wildest dreams (nothing fancy or over the top, just more than I could have ever hoped for), the plans we have for renovations will make it even better.  And unless we fall on hard times it looks like you are going to have a pretty privileged childhood being here.  Materially, culturally, socially, environmentally - being here is everything I could hope for and more, for my daughter.

I know you are British, but as you were so young when we left you will never truly be British. Your home is here now. I know if we went back now you would adjust quickly and never remember being here at all, but I think being a Kiwi kid suits you!   Even if you will lose your English accent fairly soon!

15 #2: There's a big scary monster in the house (aka a small black &white kitten)

We have a new member of the Barker family - Roman.  

When we got him he was about 3.5 months old and he's a real live wire kitten.  He runs, jumps, pounces, grabs and bites but he is also incredibly friendly and loving.  However, when he's in his 'wild times' he's too much for you (and I don't blame you at all, he's too much for me too!).  You squeal whenever he comes into the room you are in, and you scream if he comes near you.  

Your summation is "I like Roman when he's sleeping!".  

We're working on it, but he doesn't do himself many favours.  This morning, he jumped on the bed and grabbed hold either side of your head.  He isn't viscous and doesn't really bite but it's a big shock to all of us to suddenly be "attacked" by the cat!  

We're hoping with time he calms down and you grow to accept him, and maybe even like him a little!

#27 The innocence of age

On Christmas morning I woke an hour before you and I had to wait very impatiently for you to stir! We gave you your stocking to open in your room, which you loved. You had no idea what a stocking is, didn't know there would be presents in it. It took you more than an hour to open the 6 presents inside because you wanted to play with each one before you were interested in opening another. After the last one, you said "all gone now". And that was it as far as you were concerned. Christmas presents were over. You had no preconceptions there would be more presents under the tree, or consumerist desires for a particular toy. You were happy with your few toys and ready for breakfast.

As much as I am guilty of huge consumerism, always looking for the next thing to buy you, always wanting more, I really wish I could preserve your innocence as it is. It harks back to earlier times when kids were grateful for even one toy and toy companies hadn't brain washed youngsters with the latest must- have gift.

Once Nana & Pop arrived we led you into the family room where all your presents were piled high. We have some video of you standing wide eyed saying "Wow, presents! Can I open one?".  We directed you to the biggest one, your main present from us, we ripped the paper off together and you were amazed to see a dolls house. After that you weren't interested in opening anything else. 

In fact, as I write this on 27/12 we still have about a third of your presents left, still wrapped under the tree! You play with your dolls house for ages, and when we can entice you to open another gift, you play with that for a while, then return to the dolls house.

It's such a difference to my childhood when presents were ripped open in about 20 mins flat, then christmas was all done as far as we were concerned and the whole day stretched before us with not much to do. I really like that presents last all day, or 2 or 3! I took 3 days for you to open all you birthday presents earlier this year! So I think I may keep this going, even when you are older and want to open everything straight away. Perhaps Father Christmas's presents can be under the tree, then our presents and those from other people can be brought out over the rest of the day and into Boxing Day too, to keep the magic alive for a bit longer.

As we led you to bed for your lunchtime nap on Christmas Day, you asked "Can we keep the dolls house?". Because even after you were given it, you didn't assume it was yours to keep.  I love your sweet innocence and kind nature so much.  

#25 The Magic of Christmas

Last year you had no idea what Christmas is, you didn't notice the build up, the decorations , lights and music in the shops, you had no knowledge or interest in the big man himself. You loved our Christmas tree, exclaiming "wow!" When the lights were turned on, and loved taking all the decorations off each day even more. Then waking up one morning to find presents under the tree was the best!

This year though, you are noticing a bit more, understanding a bit more and it's so lovely to watch. We have our tree up, which you love. You've learnt which plug works the lights and you turn them on each morning but yourself. You still love taking the decorations off and playing with them.  You are fascinated by the trees and baubles in the Mall, wandering around with your head turned to the ceiling pointing out all the "pretty things".  I think Christmas is a bit of an abstract concept though because you keep telling me "it's Christmas time!" But I'm not sure you really know what you mean.  

Every time we see a fir tree whilst driving you exclaim "Christmas tree! We have one at our house like that don't we!".  And you keep asking me when it's going to snow.  I guess all the books and cartoons about Christmas show snowmen and sledge rides so this is a tough one to explain that actually we get to go to the beach, not make snowballs, at Christmas time here!

I'm reading you 'T'was the night before Christmas' again to year. And whilst the words are quite old fashioned and you don't understand a lot of it (asking me "What does that mean?") you like hearing it. I am telling you about Father Christmas and how he delivers the presents to every child on Christmas Eve with his reindeer. And today whilst reading it you said "Because he will bring presents to me at Christmas won't he?", so it's sinking in!  Your first visit to see Father Christmas wasn't such a big hit though. You wouldn't go within three feet of him and buried yourself into my thigh! Perhaps next year!

I will confess that I've gone a little overboard with presents for you this year, but what's christmas if I can't spoil my little girl!!  I can't wait for the big day!

#24 Growing up

The changes in you are coming thick and fast now you are around 2.5 years old.  You are getting so confident and becoming incredibly self sufficient. You are amusing yourself more and more, you make up games, and you are taking yourself off to play or "read" books.

"I can do it myself" You no longer need your hand holding over the wobbly bridge that used to be so scary and hard to walk across. You can navigate the balance beams without a care of falling now. You are brave enough to tackle the chain bridge by yourself; fall, somersault, get up brush yourself off and want to do it again. No tears!

Today you even pushed my hand away as I tried to help you climb the twisted root system of a huge tree we found whilst at Nature Playgroup. "No mummy, I can do it!" you said. I can see this will become a frequent occurrence as you start to spread your wings and find you can fly a little without me holding on.

And now you are playing with other children. (This is an enourmous leap forward for you, who has always been scared of other children, moving away if they get too close, closing up like a clam, arms lifted to your chin if one accidentally brushes you, and not playing if there are other children around).  You no longer need me to accompany you to see what your friends are doing, and wait with you whilst you watch, too scared to join in. You just run off and get involved. You chat to each other (which is simply the cutest thing to listen to), play games like 'running round the tree', play with toy cars in the dirt, climb trees, make each other giggle in the ball tent, and take turns really nicely with ball games.

I'm so proud of you and your new found confidence, but I'm also a little sad. I can't help it. There'll always be a part of me that doesn't want you to grow up.