Wednesday, 3 June 2015

15 #5 Letting go (just a little)

I feel today we (I) have reached a turning point.

People keep asking me if you go to kindy yet. I feel like I've been pressured and judged since you turned 2 because you don't go to kindy yet.  It seems to be expected that you should put your child into someone else's care as soon as possible to ... free yourself from the burden ... enable you to go back to work ... I'm not exactly sure what people expect but it's been quite clear I haven't been following expectations.

In reality you haven't been ready to go to kindy.  If I had tried to leave you at a kindy you wouldn't have cried for a while then gotten over it and enjoyed yourself.  You would have cried like you'd been abandoned, and cried and cried until I returned.  You would have felt abandoned and you wouldn't have gotten over it. You would never have let me take you back.  A mother knows this.  Only a mother.

Another reason is that I haven't been ready.  I haven't been ready to let you go.  I wanted to keep you all to myself. You're my little person.  My life. My reason for living.  I couldn't hand you over to someone else when we both weren't ready for it.

But now I think We are.

I've had a feeling for a few weeks that you need more now.  More than I can give you 7 days a week. You need outside influences, you need to interact with boys and girls your own age, without me hovering in the background.  You've grown up so much over the last few months and I think you need a little push to fulfil your potential. And this means I'm now ready to let you go, just a little.

It doesn't mean I won't cry a flood of tears though when the day comes.

Tomorrow we are going to visit a kindy. Let's see what happens ...

We visited kindy, you liked it, we signed up. Today was your first settling in session, we went for 2 hours. As soon as we arrived you ran off and didn't look back.  I hid in the kitchen and watched what was happening and you didn't ask for me once.  You did painting, jumped on the trampoline, climbed the climbing frame, played with dolls.  You sat in a circle with the other children at mat time, you stood up when asked if you have any news and said "I have princess news! I like Sparkle and Aerial!".  You listened to the story, then asked the teacher to read it again!  At morning tea you didn't eat anything but that was to be expected.  And when it was time to go you cried and hung on to the gate pleading "Please let me stay!".
So we go back on Friday and I will leave you for a while and see how that goes.  I am so proud of you, but a little sad too!

Addendum #2:
I left you for 2 hours at our next visit, you were fine, no tears, no worries. You had a wonderful time playing dress ups with a little girl called Norah.  You cried when I said I had to take you home!
Today (17/6/15) is your first full day.  You were so excited to get there and spend all day there, and you were very sweet saying before we left that you are worried about me being at home all day by myself.  When we arrived you gave me a kiss and a cuddle, said "Bye, bye Mummy", then you were off to dress up in a Princess dress and play dolls with Norah.
I feel a little sad, but mostly I feel very, very proud of the person you are growing up into, and happy that you are happy to be there.

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